Fillers and shadow men

Thoroughly pissed because my previous post got deleted for some strange fucked up reason.

The old me would have gone, "Aww, maybe the content of the blog was not meant to be published. It's a sign," I would have then proceeded to plan an elaborate fiasco of getting into a meaningless argument of heartbreak and then pretend that I am awaiting death alone in bed. But fuck it. I will re-write it.

* so here goes *

I was clearing out old emails and came across an ex NJ's. We were at the cusp of a break up back in 2003 and it was just over one year when we first started going out. He said in that email that he felt like a "filler" and that I had "other options" lurking in the background. And for that, he felt insecure in the relationship. I felt almost sad when I read that. Because I knew he was right. I did surround myself with other options, though they never really did play a prominent role. I had not remembered what I had done after reading the email then. I don't remember feeling the same way as I do now. If I did, surely, we wouldn't have broken up then.

Me and relationships.

1. I had a lot of relationships.
2. I had a lot of break ups.

Reason: Almost like clockwork, by the one year mark, I begin to get restless and start to find ways and means to sabotage the relationship. I turn into the pessimist, cynic and paranoid all at once. So much so that it is impossible for both of us to be happy in the relationship. Then it ends.
For no apparent reason but the fact that I had thought it would and now it did.

What was the deal? Was I ready to move on to someone else? No, not really. Though I admit, up till recently, I had given very little of myself to the relationship and had instead diversified my risk and hedged on my bet. And for that I feel like a lesser person.

So after all that introspection and feeling lousy about myself, you would half expect me to pick up the phone to call NJ up and tearfully apologize and tell him how much he had meant to be, blah, blah, blah... but I didn't. We had both moved on. And if there was one thing I hate, it has to be living in the past. I am not going to try to recreate/reenact the past for past's sake. That's not going to help anyone. He's happy with someone else. And I'm happy happy happy happy, ahahahahahaha, with someone else.

I was 300 miles away from home, steaming in my own sweat, refusing to take a bath, still in my monkey pants pjs so I got up and walked up to him and gave him a hug.

Me: Saturday hug!
Him: Why so "manja"?
Me: Because I want to tell you that you are not a filler and I have no shadows lurking.
Him: What? Loser.
Me: Yeah, I know.

Then I giggled like a schoolgirl and pigged out on marshmallows in front of the TV. It was between Kimora Lee Simmons and my 4th jet puffed marshmallows that I realised that I had done something I had never done before. I had let down all of my defences. No camo, no ammo, no plan B, no exit strategy. 100% vulnerable. Damn, he's got me good.

Anatomy of a he-she union for life

I finally met Izzy and the wife yesterday. She was in town for the next 2 weeks or so to get her pilates instructor accredition. He was in town for the weekend to upkeep the nuptial bliss. I got to know Izzy under work circumstances, but since we were peers, we hit it off from the word, "Go". So when he told me invited me to the wedding, I was happy for him as a friend rather than a work acquaintance.

Izzy had known his wife for years. He had been in London finishing up his degree while she was back home. And through that 4 years or so they had their fair share of trial and tribulations, crazy IDD bills, time differences and of course, temptation. I remember him proudly telling me that he never did once stray and had stayed commited. Now, this was a serious and important declaration, knowing that Izzy wears the "Casanova" label like a badge of honour with his sleazy Cheshire smile. But at the end of the day, he's all talk. Which in some "women talk" term classifies as "harmless". He does tell me tongue-in-cheek ( i hope) that he had missed countless opportunities to score with the ladies when he was a student. To salvage his male ego and rep, I pooh poohed him and told him what a great boyfriend he was.

I picked up Izzy and the wife outside their hotel and was glad to see him. Had missed his wedding and had not seen him in almost a year. I decided to take them to the beach for a little chat away from crazy weekend traffic and pre CNY shoppers in town. And of course, over dirnks at the beach, he laments over the lack of "hot babes" and that the waitresses at the beach are not serving them up in skimpy bikinis. When I finally sat him down and the wife was beyond earshot we talked honestly:

Me: So, how is married life?
Izzy: Ok, one or two arguments here and there, but nothing too serious.

I thought I would have a revelation at this point, but his answers were jaded and with the increasing visibility of post nuptials tummy, I figured that he meant what he said and married life was a walk in the park or "been there done that" for him to really indulge me.

Me: I saw your honeymoon pictures! The Maldives are awesome!
Izzy: Yeah it was. You had to go to the main island before you bumped into other people. You could shower naked.
Me: We all shower naked.
Izzy: Yeah, but shower naked in the open.
Me: Was that the selling point? Go to the Maldives so you can shower naked in the open?
Izzy: No, but it was that private and exclusive.
Me: You know, you could still do it at home. But knowing you, you would be self conscious.
Izzy: I would think people would enjoy the view.
Me: I'm sure they do, especially the part when the police take you and your "gayung mandi" away.

The wife was nice. She was meeting me for the first time. And knowing Izzy and his borderline "Casanova" personality, I was an enemy until proven otherwise.(I always believe, when it comes to women, we are all enemies until proven otherwise, which is why we are ever so bitchy. Even with life long friends, we lapse out of the enemies, friends, bff, mortal nemesis.. ever so often. Men are the opposite. They don't care much about rivalry because penises are tucked away in pants and out of sight. I bet you that if those things whipped out, they'd be bitchy mcbitchy too.)

So I had to diffuse the women tension first. And in the end it was nice and breezy.

Anyway, the point of my post was to dissect and go deeper into different classes of relationships to understand the dynamics of the he-she union for life and the case for and against it.I like to look at differences of opinions, because they are all the more obvious.Information gathered from Izzy and wife:

1. Izzy is contented. I guess the reason for him marrying was because he was ready.
Ready: Been working for 4 years or so, with little financial or family obligations.His closest friends have also taken the plunge. So might as well.He has got the moo-lah. So even if the wife is not working, he can fully support her.And of course, they were in love.

Izzy is a man with a plan. He wants to be married for 2 years before having kids at 29. And then he wants his Porsche at 35. So it's marrying at 27, kids at 29 and Porsche at 35.

Is that it? The he-she union is part of plan? Maybe he has not opened up to me in terms of the "soulmate", "she is the air that i breathe" part of the union. But looking at the interactions, it is more of a "this is the most comfy part of the sofa" vs. "i had been looking around for ages and i finally found the one".

I observed that they had differences in what I felt was fundamental to a marriage.1. She preferred living on their own. And they did have a house ready for them, but Izzy having being sucked in the evil world of finance and money (as I am already) thought it would make more investment sense to rent it out. So they are living with his parents. Plus, everything would be well taken care of. She isn't the chores type and would rather they get a maid, than her having to do the laundry, clean up..etc.

I think, at the end of the day, Izzy is a typical Malay Hang Tuah type. You know, I provide for the wife, (buy her a car, maintain her lifestyle, etc) and she stays and play house. While she is more of the "If you want someone to keep the house clean, get a maid."

What I am getting at is, I thought it is only when you have resolved or on the way to resolve such differences that you decide to slug it out for life. If you found out after marriage that he would rather you play house than work, that might change the dynamics of the marriage, don't you think?

After a 6 months hiatus....

back.

new year resolution includes:

updating my blog. fostering closer relations with family and friends. being "harder, better, faster, stronger". externalise. have more happy thoughts.

I would also resolve to eat more jell-o and less nuts, since i did have pine nuts last night and they are getting to me now.

2007 was a tumultous year.. i kind of lost track after May 2007 really, after which I was just chugging along. I remember being a total emotional wreck.. too many ups and lows and downs and highs for an emotionally vacant, absent me.

I was proposed to, chased around Phuket a bit, been in countless arguments and to paraphrase what he had said to me,

"I had never seen someone with tears almost infinite, yet I regret seeing them in the first place.."

For the longest time I was convinced that the problem was me. It took a while to understand that we were just incompatible on too many fronts and compromise was futile. We might just end up killing each other. I am not exaggerating.

I admit. In previous relationships, I was impulsive and selfish. That one, as my friends can vouch, was different. And when I finally broke the news to my parents, I was relieved that it was finally over and that I could move on. 14 months.

So I started getting my life back in order. But first I have to talk about my turning point.

My HG1.

Nov 4. The turning point.

I knew, I had the power to change how I felt. I had the ability to dictate which way my Life should head. And when to throw in the gauntlet. For that empowerment, I will always be grateful to my HG1 and yet embarassed that I could not have done it myself.

It was an innocent invite to chill out over a weekend, and since I was going to be heading up there anyway, I accepted. Thought it was a good way of just airing my head (if that makes sense) and just being away from everything for a while. Escapism.

Being away made me anxious. I was expecting a dozen phone calls, text messages, always being on the "look out" and watchful that I do not do anything that might have displeased him and I was on guard throughout the weekend.

Thought it would be a night out, lunch, or brunch and we'd talk for a few hours and be on our way. Wasn't as though I did not know him, we had been in regular contact for almost a year though chats should always just be "chats", nothing more. We all are someone else on chat, a different shade of our real selves, right? Doesn't mean that we are fake though. But like that Tshirt "Same Same but Different".

So I got there and we went out. And we spent the weekend pretty much together until I less than 48 hours later after I got there. It was a life changing 48 hours. I opened up a lot to him. Actually, he pried it out of me. I was all "quiet", "distant", "anti-social", "stoning" for most of our time together that he had to ask what was up.

And you know, stuff, yeah, nothing, urm, stuff, nothing, yeah....

So after emotionally off-loading, which till now, I feel absolutely embarassed about, I realised, that I could have it better. Things could be better for EVERYONE. He did not give me "valuable gems of advice", in fact I don't really remembered the things he said but one word made all the difference "HAPPY". And that made me realign my thoughts, and think.... really think... about being pro-active about being happy. I was miserable. Really I was. Maybe I was bad at handling the situation. Maybe the situation was bad at handling me. Either way, I was miserable and knowing the "sunshine kid" I am, I could potentially die. I had to find "happy".

When I came home after the weekend, I was a woman on a mission, I narrowed down 3 areas in my life that I felt could do with some Happy or undo the un-Happy:

1. Break Up.
2. Find new job.
3. Go on holiday.

Deadline: 2008

#1. Was messy, as expected. It was much much harder. I had spent so much time, effort and emotions in the relationship, surely breaking it off JUST LIKE THAT was not going to happen. But I knew, I was holding on the sentimental, and not the person. I knew that I was always going to be UN-Happy with the person or that person would be UN-Happy with me, I knew that. So that had to be let go.

#2. Been hunting since Feb 07 but somehow I was too caught up with what I really wanted to do vs. what I really could excel in. After an epiphany, lots of bomoh magic and self conjured will power, I got the interview, determined myself to nail it and got it confirmed a week before year end.

#3. I had asked for a break from the new job till mid Feb. That gives me plenty of time to travel. I want to learn how to snowboard and spend some time on the slopes. France is my first choice as my new outfit has an office in Monaco and the peeps there do head out to the slopes on weekends in Feb. My boss is game and promised to hook me up with the office there. Brilliant.

Until then, I am going to spend as much time as I can with my HG1. He is my sunshine. And I am Happy Happy Happy Happy :)