After a 6 months hiatus....

back.

new year resolution includes:

updating my blog. fostering closer relations with family and friends. being "harder, better, faster, stronger". externalise. have more happy thoughts.

I would also resolve to eat more jell-o and less nuts, since i did have pine nuts last night and they are getting to me now.

2007 was a tumultous year.. i kind of lost track after May 2007 really, after which I was just chugging along. I remember being a total emotional wreck.. too many ups and lows and downs and highs for an emotionally vacant, absent me.

I was proposed to, chased around Phuket a bit, been in countless arguments and to paraphrase what he had said to me,

"I had never seen someone with tears almost infinite, yet I regret seeing them in the first place.."

For the longest time I was convinced that the problem was me. It took a while to understand that we were just incompatible on too many fronts and compromise was futile. We might just end up killing each other. I am not exaggerating.

I admit. In previous relationships, I was impulsive and selfish. That one, as my friends can vouch, was different. And when I finally broke the news to my parents, I was relieved that it was finally over and that I could move on. 14 months.

So I started getting my life back in order. But first I have to talk about my turning point.

My HG1.

Nov 4. The turning point.

I knew, I had the power to change how I felt. I had the ability to dictate which way my Life should head. And when to throw in the gauntlet. For that empowerment, I will always be grateful to my HG1 and yet embarassed that I could not have done it myself.

It was an innocent invite to chill out over a weekend, and since I was going to be heading up there anyway, I accepted. Thought it was a good way of just airing my head (if that makes sense) and just being away from everything for a while. Escapism.

Being away made me anxious. I was expecting a dozen phone calls, text messages, always being on the "look out" and watchful that I do not do anything that might have displeased him and I was on guard throughout the weekend.

Thought it would be a night out, lunch, or brunch and we'd talk for a few hours and be on our way. Wasn't as though I did not know him, we had been in regular contact for almost a year though chats should always just be "chats", nothing more. We all are someone else on chat, a different shade of our real selves, right? Doesn't mean that we are fake though. But like that Tshirt "Same Same but Different".

So I got there and we went out. And we spent the weekend pretty much together until I less than 48 hours later after I got there. It was a life changing 48 hours. I opened up a lot to him. Actually, he pried it out of me. I was all "quiet", "distant", "anti-social", "stoning" for most of our time together that he had to ask what was up.

And you know, stuff, yeah, nothing, urm, stuff, nothing, yeah....

So after emotionally off-loading, which till now, I feel absolutely embarassed about, I realised, that I could have it better. Things could be better for EVERYONE. He did not give me "valuable gems of advice", in fact I don't really remembered the things he said but one word made all the difference "HAPPY". And that made me realign my thoughts, and think.... really think... about being pro-active about being happy. I was miserable. Really I was. Maybe I was bad at handling the situation. Maybe the situation was bad at handling me. Either way, I was miserable and knowing the "sunshine kid" I am, I could potentially die. I had to find "happy".

When I came home after the weekend, I was a woman on a mission, I narrowed down 3 areas in my life that I felt could do with some Happy or undo the un-Happy:

1. Break Up.
2. Find new job.
3. Go on holiday.

Deadline: 2008

#1. Was messy, as expected. It was much much harder. I had spent so much time, effort and emotions in the relationship, surely breaking it off JUST LIKE THAT was not going to happen. But I knew, I was holding on the sentimental, and not the person. I knew that I was always going to be UN-Happy with the person or that person would be UN-Happy with me, I knew that. So that had to be let go.

#2. Been hunting since Feb 07 but somehow I was too caught up with what I really wanted to do vs. what I really could excel in. After an epiphany, lots of bomoh magic and self conjured will power, I got the interview, determined myself to nail it and got it confirmed a week before year end.

#3. I had asked for a break from the new job till mid Feb. That gives me plenty of time to travel. I want to learn how to snowboard and spend some time on the slopes. France is my first choice as my new outfit has an office in Monaco and the peeps there do head out to the slopes on weekends in Feb. My boss is game and promised to hook me up with the office there. Brilliant.

Until then, I am going to spend as much time as I can with my HG1. He is my sunshine. And I am Happy Happy Happy Happy :)