Because words don't get more beautiful than these..

STAMMER by K. Satchidanadan

Stammer is no handicap.
It is a mode of speech.
Stammer is the silence that falls
between the word and its meaning,
just as lameness is the
silence that falls between
the word and the deed.

Did stammer precede language
or succeed it?
Is it only a dialect or a
language itself? These questions
make linguists stammer.
Each time we stammer
we are offering a sacrifice
to the God of Meanings.

When a whole people stammer
stammer becomes their mother tongue:
as it is with us now.

God too must have stammered
when He created Man.
That is why all the words of man
carry different meanings.
That is why everything he utters
from his prayers to his commands
stammers,
like poetry.

Last but not least

It's damn fast, just like you said. How January becomes April, how todays become yesterdays and how green is "so yesterday". And in the face of all the insanity, of how we try to grab at the slivers of time that slips past us in perpertuity, we all have to ask ourselves: What have we done that would really make us proud of ourselves.

It could be small. It could be large. But the better deeds are done out of service to others. Letting selflessness take over and personal wants take a back seat. Those moments are when you really triumph. Those times are difficult.

I like difficult times. They force you to ignore the superficialities. I stop worrying about my hair, my clothes, my bags, my Saturday night plans and you focus on things that matter. Things that involve other people, their feelings and how they depend on you. I like times when i have to work so hard and yet get nothing in return, because occasionally you do get something and it taste so much sweeter after being laced with so much bitterness in the beginning.

I also believe that good things happen to good people. And in karma. I believe that happiness should override all other emotions, like greed, pride and anger. And when you are happy at what you do, who you're with and who you are, that is when Life is worth mentioning, worth living and worth giving it your best shot.

Pleading the 5th

I don't want to incriminate myself. I don't want to sound petty, emotional and oh-so-dramatic, so I'm pleading the 5th amendment on every girl's constitution, PMS.

"PMS" shall be defined as

A condition that maims, distorts and over-dramatizes basic female judgement, which causes
irrational and oversensationalized emotions, usually negative in nature.

"Negative in nature" shall be defined as

Lacking in any feel good factor that results in low self worth, immunity of all things good, lack in interest in anything constructive or productive and bouts of jealousy over the good fortune of others. Such negativity could result in the engagement of mindless brooding, mulling and moping sessions, sometimes all at once and usually in the confines of one's room, under quilts and shattered expectations. It could also result in bingeing on high sugar foods.

When such a condition strikes, the victim is excluded from the following liabilities:

1. Collateral damage of any nature caused by physical rampages, bouts of kungfu fury or spells of "I just want to fucking do it that's why!"

2. Emotional damage to people around her caused by word slinging, verbal showdowns and "un-lady like" demeanor.

3. Increase in household expenses pertaining to food and paper products.

4. Loss in mental well being and hearing of stakeholders.

Remedies

No questions should be asked. Give the lady what she wants, dammit!

I was looking forward to a nice late Saturday night rendezvous. There was no pre-determined plan, after all Life should be spontaneous right? *my ass* So after an afternoon with girlfriends which was spent lamenting on our lacklustre, read non-Hollywood fantasy, love lives and deciding that he, the main actor in the sappy movie we watched, was the epitome of what a man is, i decided to go pretty pretty and have an awesome night.

I wore my black dress. The dress. Did my hair just so and put on nice music in the car's stereo. I drove around town hoping that the other party would be game enough to go ahead with the evening's spontaneity. I was in an excellent mood. I was hopeful and optimistic.

I was rudely disappointed. Halfway between waiting and that left turn to Suntec City, i realized that things were not going to happen. I watched the magic of that evening dissipate and my black dress wore a different shade. What was i to do? I had other friends egging me to join them at clubs, but with the state i was in, i figured that i'd rather be indoors looking out then feel the abject state of abandonment while i was out there. My moods are transparent. You would know if i was low. ANd i didn't want to ruin anyone's night. So i did what anyone heartbroken/ disappointed/rejected could. I took the longer route home and let my mascara run its course.

I plead the 5th. Not as an excuse. But as the only way i know how.

Tango Mango

IT take two to tango. Unless of course you prefer dancing alone with no music in the background. Swaying, gyrating and grooving is meant to be a one person's ordeal not to be shared with anyone whose movements might be complementary to you. It is after all dance, simple physics. Action, reaction. Action, reaction. Newton's laws of motion.

Now, when you do dance you take steps forward, as though to make approaches then you take step backwards in reciprocation of him/her taking a step forward. There is no way you could ignore the uneasy distance between both of you should you guys decide to repel and take steps backwards at the same time or the bump on your heads when you do collide after taking steps forwards.

Its easy when you understand your partner. If he takes a step forward, you step back and vice versa. The problem is when you THINK you know your partner but miscalculated his next move. Thats when it gets all confusing and everyone should just pop E and start head banging to techno. Is he stepping up or is he stepping back? Up or back? Is it possible to be both? What if he had a moment's hesitation? This is all under the assumption of ceteris paribus..

Dance is about communication and decisiveness. Decide then execute the move. Don't be a nonya and deliberate too long. You might miss the best bits of the music standing still.

After poetry reading class, i decided to share

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret,
between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that when you close your eyes I fall asleep.

-- by Pablo Neruda, trans. by Stephen Tapscott

Last nite a DJ saved my life

This is Week 11. The final countdown to the last month of formal education. I have 2 papers to sit for this term. Both of them are law modules and im determined to go out with a bang, and that plan does not involve leveraging on my religion and its wayward fanaticism.

Last nite a DJ saved my life. Now, before you go "Hey, isn't that the title of some pop hit?", I'll state the obvious first, "Yes, it is the title of some pop hit." Now that we have got that out of the way i can start writing.

You know how you start zoning out whilst still in the company of another? Like, you become oblivious to the presence of the other, or maybe a lapse in acknowledging that when you do go out with someone you ARE supposed to entertain and engage. Why else would it be called social engagement right? Some of you may differ and say that "Well, maybe we don't have to be talking to each other all the time because we are comfortable not saying anything!" Now, there is nothing wrong in being comfortable in silence and non-engagement but wouldn't it be worrying if you are ONLY comfortable in such an arrangement?

Communication. I read on some website that guys interpret that word much differently than us gals. i'll update on this later. Something cropped up. Really interesting. :)

__________________PAUSE FROM TRANSMISSION__________________________

My sis just got engaged. The elder one. The one with the akan datang expiry date. The whole situation was nothing short of weird.

Anyway, back to my reading of an article about men and COMMUNICATION. Men need to communicate their feelings and emotions. Because they function in a predominantly macho mode all the time when they are in the the company of others, it is really out of character to share their feelings to just anyone. As such they need someone who they would be able to confide in such matters with. And who better than us girls?

Communication in the girl's dictionary involves talking about issues that affects both parties.. sometimes.. okie all the time.. repeating and going over the small inane details. This, as i read in the article, irritates the guys who feel that the issue had already blown over and in true male-ness claim that "It's no big deal".

So is it a big deal or not? TO the girls it is. TO the guys it isn't. So how do we reconcile this divide in ideologies? By communicating? hahaha. I don't think so. We do it through showing our love. Now, this brings to my next issue: What is love according to a guy?

In the same article, Love is defined as SEX. Yup, you've read correctly. I've convinced myself that they are one and the same and just semantics for guys. If you don't have sex with them, you don't love them. The same way gals would feel unloved if he had forgotten your birthday or a special date, or your new outfit... etc. Semantics? Maybe. Ridiculous? Definitely.

But before we start mocking our little idiosyncracies, we have to acknowledge that they are real. And that they form the crux of a lot of our misunderstnadings. So are we going to iron things out through acceptance. Or force a conversion over to our sides? I choose the latter. I'm useless at household chores.

Training

Website is hilarious! A take on Pimp My Ride : http://www.burgerking.de/appgen/?cl=bk&cp=pimpmyburger&cmd=show_flash

Just when you thought life couldn't get any better.

Discretion: I dreamt that i lost my teeth last nite. A recurring dream. Why? I don't know.

I busted my ankle and shoulder last nite. Spent the nite icing it. Had a good sleep. Satisfied.

Weekend here i come.

Something good

And you ask if it is something good. Whether or not without it you would be in a lesser position. Whether or not without it you would not be whole. Whether or not without it you would be less than happy. So you observe, mannerisms, tone, attitude, behaviour. And you take notes, scribble them on that mental notebook of yours, see dark bold letters form hideous words like "not interested" or "self-absorbed" and "self centred" and you regret it almost immediately because you know the person could have been trying. And you blush not so immediately after that when you realize that their attempts at trying may not ever be enough and it would only embarass them to have to bend over backwards, juggle emotions and sensitivities in one hand and hold yours in the other, only to realize that they have been playing to a sympathetic audience. And sympathy is pathetic.

It takes so little but it takes so much. Do you get what i mean? Talking in the abstract may either paint me as someone whose thoughts run deep or someone who has no idea what she is talking about.

Sorry about the dreary entry.. yes, to all of my 4 readers... mornings tend to do that to me. Must be the bad night. I woke up at 4 in the morning after a nightmare. THE SUPERNATURAL KIND. Those who are close to me would know that im chicken shit in the dark. I sleep with the TV on. I have slept in the dark less than 5 times in my life. Go ahead, mock me. To all psychoanalysts out there, go ahead, write your own theories. But the dark scares me to death.

So i had a nightmare about driving with my family. I was making a turn when i heard my sister say something about feeling a presence in the car. And i could feel it too. It felt a "forcefield" and it was scary. When i looked at the rearview mirror i saw a figure clutching my sister's neck. SO i panicked and i swerved. The car pulled to a stop by the side of the road and i rushed to the back seat screaming for my father to say some prayers to dispel the spirit. That was basically it. But when i awoke, i couldn't sleep. Usually i call someone up. But this time, i didn't have anyone i could call. So i went to my sister's room to sleep and watch soccer for a bit.

The End

What a lame ass entry... *sigh* today is not a good day