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I'm good with crushes. I love having a huge crush on someone ala "Sweet Valley High". What a rush. What a high.

"Real"ationships? No.

The eternal pessimist in me somehow stamps the expiration date of most "real"ationships. Either consciously or subconsciously. My hobby, as it has been pointed out by The Ridz, and as I have come to see, include "beating myself up for something I didn't do". It's almost a death wish. And when the unfortunate happens, you console yourself with a forlorn sigh, "It was simply not meant to be." Then you start all over again. Basically it means, creating unnecessary drama, which I blame on PMS,and bringing shit unto yourself.

How come guys never get PMS?? DAMN IT. There must be a pill somewhere right? *evil laugh*

I wish I could say that it's different now. I wish I could say that with each person it gets better. But it hasn't so far. It's different "styles".You could pay 250k to go to to B-school to have someone tell you formally that you have an "A" or "B" or whatever they call it management styles. But honestly, that's a complete waste of money. When it comes to relationship, I realize that my style is at best impulsive and at worst selfish.

What I do is upon being intoxicated with infatuation, I prefer to plunge straight in. No holding back. Everything is OTT, almost. Just weeks and weeks or months of energy of gestures, gifts, surprises, dinners, etc. Everything must be done OTT. Why? Because that is how I interpret what being in a relationship is. Of course, now, I realized that it is purely folly and infatuation. Because somehow, once the hormones stop raging and reality seeps through (this happens at the one year mark), I reject reality and dismiss the relationship as "unworkable" and hence, over.

Infatuation is necessary of course. You need the whole endorphin and oxytoxin driven "Oh, my baby is the bestest and most perfect thing since Jell-o" enthusiasm to get to know each other and spend time with each other enough to create an emotional bond. Then when reality kicks in it gets easier to handle the differences, the SHIT basically.

But I love the infatuation bit. You go "la la la la la la la" in the morning. You have silly smiles on your face. You can without sleep or food. You have "The Turtles" playing in your head.

I hate the SHIT bit. Really. Then you realize that you are "individuals" so different that if it was not for the emotional la di da, you would have killed the other.

So, it is almost safe, and scary to say, I've never been in a relationship or in love with someone before. I get infatuated... yes. But in love? Don't think so. And it is almost all the same with every single one that I go out with. The enthusiasm, the gestures, the impulsiveness, the energy.. everything is pleasant and F.U.N. But after reality sets in, I chicken out. It is too difficult for me. I simply reject the notion that relationships are not FUN. Crushes are FUN. Being infatuated by someone and driven by your own selfish hormonal energy watchamacallit is FUN.

Because it is EASY. It is EFFORTLESS. It must be what relationships are all about. (Yeah right) The converse must be true.

Being in a serious and committed relationship for me means spending a whole lot of time together. That's it. Or at least that is what it means to me. Mainly because time, to all of us, is a valuable commodity. So spending that much of it on just ONE person must mean that you are serious about this person, right? Either that or you're just HIGH on the first rushes of "love".

I was rethinking about what The Ridz and I have at this moment and of course, I tell myself, this is not going to work. Long distance never works.

Yeah, if you want to do the whole hormonal impulsive, "walking on sunshine" thing, yes. Being physically away means that you do not have an outlet to express infatuation. And for me it is almost always about the infatuation.

But what I have learnt and WILL try to understand:
1. Infatuation is hormonal. It is driven by involuntary biological impulses. It requires no external motivation or thought. You just do the things you do without effort, without much thought, not because you CHOSE to, but because it is what it is. Understand that first.

2. Love, however, is conscious infatuation. Chosing to do what you do WITH effort, after much THOUGHT. The circumstances may be less than ideal, the consequences are dire. But you do it. It is no longer involuntary.

Infatuation does not last. Love, just might.

Will it happen to me this time?

It just might.

In the meantime, I'm not going to take my impulses too seriously. That would be potentially jeopardizing everything.

I am trying. Haha. Really. :)