And then 2007 tumbled in..

This is worse.

To think in my previous post i had a summary. I don't think a summary is going to do here. If I have to disappoint my legion of faithful followers, yes, all 3 of you, it would have to be done carefully.

I'm in Colombo. For work. Which is going to end soon. Flight back is tonite and I will reach Singapore at 0735 on a Friday morning. Which basically mean that unless I get some decent rest, my Chinese New Year weekend is going to the hogs.. (geddit? Now it's the year of the pig)

It's hilarious how I can sound so effortlessly charming and jovial on blog. Maybe it's because they don't have mood sensors or a video cam to capture my mug shot right now. I feel like Sh!t. Partly because of work but mainly because of my sad sorry life. Allow me to be self depreciating.

I have just learnt that I have to come to terms with the fact that, hey, despite what some people have told me, I am not as great as I think I am. Now, I'm not bordering on "God's gift to men" or anyone, but I was smug and comfy with the fact that being "me" is a really cool thing. Yes, there has been complains over what version some of you might get but overall, it's something worth feeling good over. That's what the good animal puppets on Sesame Street have been trying to teach kids worldwide for decades.

This is an issue of self worth. Or at least perceived self worth. I am not saying that your worth is dependent on the accounts of others, but they do influence it. Social standing, popularity, acceptance and adoration are all dependent on what people around you perceive you as. Tough love, I got this one bad, smacked in my face like a used Maxi Sanitary pad. Worse, I am not even being let into this gently. Watch as I squirm.

I like being popular. I like thinking I am popular, who doesn't? Who would deny the sense of social power knowing that with your words or actions, people would sway? And besides, being popular, gives you security free of charge. Oust a popular leader? NEVER!

I had my fair share of critiques, sometimes I let it slide (because they are not worth mulling over) and sometimes I let it sink it and feel miserable so I can indulge my sorrow with chocolate cake. But the worst kind of critiques, the kind that hurts most, is when it comes from someone closer than close. That kind of boo boo is hard to un-boo boo.

Imagine constantly having to compete with a paradigm of virtue. It comes in a list, by the way, I could do it alphabetically, like, "approachable","caring", "devoted", "sweet", "thoughtful", "understanding".. and you are thinking, man, it's like being Mother Theresa. And then you look at yourself and feel a prick in your bank of self worth. Liquidity is draining. And you realise, hey, I could never be all that. Then you realise, hey, if i met someone like that, I would keep him/her in a safe and throw away the key. Then you realise, hey, why am I in the picture then? I don't even come with a list.

That's
when
you
descend
down
a
slippery
slope
of
self
doubt..
SH!T <- currently here

I need to feel to feel awesome again. Don't think chocolate cake is going to do it. Maybe if I start a cult, I can get people to worship me.